The Obscure Twin Peaks: The Twin Peaks Hotline (Episodes 11 & 12)

Here are the next two installments in the Twin Peaks Hotline: a service that allowed viewers of Twin Peaks to call and listen to recorded messages that would recount recent plot developments on the series.   The messages allowed listeners “eavesdrop” on Lucy and Andy (and a mysterious, unidentified voice) as they discussed what was happening around the town.

Episode 11:

Lucy:  Hello, Twin Peaks Sheriff's station, Lucy speaking.  Oh hi, I guess you're calling to find out what's been happening.  Well, I'm going to tell you!  All men in the world should be taken to a desert island and forced to eat sand!  If I ever meet another guy wearing an ascot, I'm going to--to--okay, Dick Tremayne is a weasel, a spineless, penny-loafing weasel!  If he thought he could buy is way out of his responsibility to me, well, he has another thing coming!  And--

Andy:  Lucy?

Lucy:  What!

Andy:  You have another call.

Lucy:  Hello?  Mom?

Andy:  Sometimes I figure you just need to talk to your mom.  I may have jumped over the fence before the horse started--uh--pulling the cart.  I think I was wrong about Lucy seeing other men.  Doc Hayward says I'm better!  And there's no reason I can't jump in the saddle, and gather moss.  Whenever I want.  I guess you want to know what else happened.  Uh, Judge Sternwood arrived.  He'll be handling Mr. Palmer's case.  Harry said that Leland will probably plead temporary insanity.  [Stat­ic]

Voice:  I'll try to stick to the facts.  Jean Renault has made a deal with Ben Horne--Audrey's life for Agent Cooper's, a simple clean exchange.  Jean also removed Mr. Battis from any further business dealings--point blank.  Agent Cooper should be very careful here.  Our visitor from the East, Josie Packard, has returned from her--shopping trip, and was welcomed home by her cousin Jonathan, a mysterious Asian man who's been sniffing around the Great Northern.  They seem to be making plans that don't include Sheriff Truman or the mill.  Jonathan also paid a visit to Hank Jennings to sever his relationship with Josie.  Hank agreed, of course--and is fortunate to still be among the living.  I do hope Donna is as cautious with her friend, Mr. Harold Smith.

Lucy:  [amidst static] --who told my mother?

Voice:  I better go!

Lucy:  Andy Brennan, you come back on this line!

Andy:  I--

Lucy:  Did you tell my mother about the baby?

Andy:  Not exactly.  She asked me how you were, and when was I ever going to marry you, and--

Lucy:  Marry?

Andy:  It slipped out.

Lucy:  Slipped?!

Andy:  Then she said that I should do the proper thing, or she would break my legs.

Lucy:  Oh no!

Andy:  I thought she liked me.

Lucy:  I have to go now.  Thanks for calling.  I'll be here next Sunday with more news.

Length of recording:  2 minutes, 33 seconds.

Comments:  This recording followed episode 11 by Jerry Stahl/Harley Peyton/Robert Engels/Mark Frost (writers) and Todd Holland (director).

Lucy's anger at men results from Tremayne's offer to pay for an abortion for her.  (She plans to keep the baby.) 

While Lucy talks to her mom, Andy updates the listener on various plot developments. Andy's comment about his being "better" refers to the impotency test that he "flunked" but was allowed to re-take.  (Although, he doesn't get his test results back until episode 12.) The mysterious voice then takes control of the line. Obviously, the quick recitation of facts fails to convey any of the story’s nuance, particularly regarding Harold Smith and Donna.

Episode 12:

Lucy:  Twin Peaks Sheriff's--uh, actually I'm over here in Tacoma at my sister's, helping her out because she just had a baby.  So I came out her to help and to clear my own head, which, as you know is a little clogged up at the moment.  I also got the name of a clinic upcomplete amateur.

here that can help you with decisions about ba­bies, and life, and what a huge mess I'm in.  So, I'm here, which means that I won't be at the station, which means the phones are in the hands of a

Andy:  Ow!  Hello?  Miss Zipman?

Lucy:  Andy?

Andy:  Lucy?

Lucy:  What are you doing on this line?

Andy:  I was talking about Miss Zipman about her--where are you?

Lucy:  None of your business!

Andy:  I've been looking all over--

Lucy:  So what's happened in town?  The caller would like to know.

Andy:  Oh.  Hi!  This is Deputy Andy.

Lucy:  They know who you are.

Andy:  Uh, Mr. Palmer got bail.  I did a drawing of his head, and it might go in the newspaper.  Leo isn't going to stand trial until he stops being a vegetable.  So I guess he's going to go home so Shelly can take care of him.

Lucy:  Poor Shelly!

Andy:  I don't even think she likes vegetables.  Lucy?  I want you to know--[static]

Voice:  This is all very interesting, but I don't think it's why you called.  Let's get to business.  Donna Hayward and Harold Smith have gotten quite friendly--so friendly, that with the help of Maddy, Donna tried to steal Laura's diary.  It didn't work; he caught them.  And now they're both in big trouble.  Ben Horne tried to play it fast and loose, setting Cooper up to get killed when he tried to rescue Audrey.  Cooper had other plans, and, with a little help from the Bookhouse Boys Truman and Hawk, dear Audrey is back and safe, with only a few casualties sustained by the rabble at One-Eyed Jacks.  Although thanks to Jean Renault, good old Blackie has bought the farm instead of the casino.  How we will miss her!  My time is just--[static]

Andy:  Lucy, everything is going to be all right.  Lucy?

Lucy:  Andy, are you there?

Andy:  I'm here.  I can hear you.

Lucy:  Is that you, Mrs. Zipman?

Andy:  It's me!

Lucy:  Andy, if you're there and not saying anything, like you always used to in high school when you hyperventilated, and had to breathe in the bag in French class--

Andy:  Lucy, I'm trying to tell you--

Lucy:  Unlucky in love:  my life story.  I'll be back next Sunday with more news if my life hasn't completely fallen apart more than it already has.  This is Lucy.  Bye-bye.

Length of recording:  2 minutes 33 seconds

Comments:  This recording followed episode 12 by Barry Pullman (writer) and Graeme Clifford (director).

Andy and Lucy can't seem to agree on the marital status of Ms. Zipman; twice Andy refers to her as "Miss," but Lucy calls her "Mrs."

This recording reveals how Andy knows French—he apparently took classes in high school.

There is no explanation of how Lucy--at her sister's home in Tacoma--answers a phone call into the Twin Peaks Sheriff's sta­tion.  Following recordings handle the situation more logically--Andy answers our phone call, and Lucy calls on another line.

The mysterious voice relates what is happening with Donna, Maddy and Harold, but doesn’t mention Harold’s curious reaction when he is forced outside by Donna--one of the most fascinating occurrences in the episode.  While much of the details of what happened in the episode is conveyed, any of the promised "new information and clues about events on upcoming shows" is completely missing.